Wednesday, February 25, 2009

NOBODY TOLD ME THERE'D BE DAYS LIKE THESE.

FROM GREAT HIGHS (PREVIOUS POST) TO NEW LOWS! HAVE YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, "MAYBE I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS."? THAT WAS ME LAST NIGHT. LET ME SET THE SCENE:

MARK IS WORKING HIS FINGERS TO THE BONE. HE LEAVES THE HOUSE AT 7:30 TO GO TO WORK. HE GOES DIRECTLY FROM WORK TO THE OTHER HOUSE TO WORK UNTIL ABOUT 11:00 PM EVERY NIGHT EXCEPT WEDNESDAYS WHEN WE HAVE AWANA AT CHURCH. ONCE HE GETS HOME, HE HANDLES OUR FINANCES AND DOES THE OTHER NECESSARY WORK TO ORDER SUPPLIES FOR THE HOUSE OR RESEARCH SOME OF THE TASKS THAT HE IS WORKING THROUGH AT THAT TIME. THIS IS LEAVING ALL OF THE HOME & PARENTING RESPONSIBILITIES TO ME...AND RIGHTLY SO RIGHT NOW, HE'S SPENT.

THE PROBLEM IS, I AM THE...HOW SHOULD I SAY IT, MORE HIGH STRUNG PARENT. WHEN I START TO GET OVER MY HEAD AND FED UP, HE INTUITIVELY STEPS IN AND HELPS ME KEEP MY SANITY. THIS WEEK IT HAS BEEN EASY FOR ME TO GET OVER MY HEAD. I HAVE PRESSING DEADLINES AT WORK THAT I AM WORKING TO MEET KNOWING I HAVE HAD TO LEAVE WORK EARLY EVERY DAY FOR DENTIST APPOINTMENTS, MASON'S VARIOUS PRACTICES,ETC. THAT MEANS I AM WORKING ON THESE PROJECTS AT HOME IN THE EVENING TOO. USUALLY THIS IS JUST FINE BUT NOT THIS WEEK WITH DADDY OUT OF THE EQUATION. ALL OF MY PARENTING BUTTONS WERE PUSHED AND LAST NIGHT I BLEW.

I HAD TOLD THE BOYS I WAS GOING TO LAY ON MY BED FOR A BIT BECAUSE I WAS NURSING A 3 DAY OLD HEADACHE. I JUST NEEDED SOME QUIET AND DARK. I TOLD MASON HE COULD PLAY Wii FOR 30 MINUTES, BUT HE THEN THEY BOTH NEEDED TO DO THEIR CHECKLISTS TO GET READY FOR BED. OF COURSE THE QUIET AND DARK TIME WAS NOT REALLY ACHIEVED. ANDREW WANTED TO PLAY LIKE HE WAS FISHING OFF OF MY BED SO I HAD TO REEL HIM IN A FEW TIMES. I THEN ASKED HIM TO GET READY FOR BED...I ADMIT, WE SKIPPED THE BATH, I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.

WHEN I FINALLY DID GET UP ABOUT 8:30 TO GET THEM TO BED, I FOUND THE HOUSE DESTROYED. TOYS EVERYWHERE, TRASH STREWN ACROSS THE KITCHEN AND HALLWAY THANKS TO THE DOG, AND MASON JUST HAPPILY PLAYING Wii. I SCREAMED AT THE DOG AND LOCKED HER IN HER KENNEL AND GOT AFTER MASON FOR NOT TAKING THE TRASH OUT LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. I THEN PROCEEDED TO HAVE A TANTRUM AND TELL THE BOYS THAT MOM AND DAD WORK AND WORK AND WORK AND THE LEAST THEY COULD DO IS THEIR CHORE LIST ONE NIGHT WITHOUT MOM HAVING TO READ IT OFF TO THEM (ANDREW'S LIST IS DONE WITH PICTURES, NOT WORDS). I MEAN REALLY, DO I NEED TO TELL A NINE YEAR OLD TO TAKE A SHOWER, BRUSH HIS TEETH, LAY HIS CLOTHES OUT FOR TOMORROW AND PACK HIS BACKPACK EVERY NIGHT! I TOLD THEM THEY WERE BOTH GROUNDED FROM THE TV AND VIDEO GAMES FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK UNTIL THEY EARN THOSE PRIVILEGES BACK BY DOING THEIR JOBS WITHOUT HAVING TO BE ASKED. THEY TOOK IT WELL BUT I KNOW THEY WERE SAD, NOT AS MUCH ABOUT THE LOST PRIVILEGES, BUT AT MOM HAVING A BIG FIT.

I WENT TO BED FEELING DEFEATED AND SAD. THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF MOTHER THAT I EVER ENVISIONED I WOULD BE. I JUST KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE THE MOM THAT WOULD TACKLE A CAREER AND THE HOME WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, BECAUSE AS A GIRL ISN'T THAT WHAT WE WERE TOLD WE COULD HAVE? WE COULD HAVE IT ALL. THE PROBLEM IS, SOMETIMES I THINK MY PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT HAVE GIVEN ME SUCCESS IN THE WORKPLACE, MAKE ME A FAILURE AT HOME. I CAN BE A PERFECTIONIST AND I DON'T SAY THAT WITH PRIDE. AT WORK IT MAKES ME SET A HIGH STANDARD AND USUALLY MEET IT. BUT IN REALITY IT IS A TERRIBLE THING TO ALWAYS NEED THINGS TO BE BETTER. BECAUSE SOMETIMES THOSE THINGS ARE PEOPLE. I DON'T WANT MY KIDS TO THINK THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO "BE BETTER" FOR MOM TO APPROVE. I EVEN HAD THE THOUGHT, "ARE YOU REALLY CUT OUT FOR MOTHERHOOD?" I CRIED. I CRIED BECAUSE I LOVE NOTHING MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN MY FAMILY. I SEE MOMS THAT HANDLE EVEN THE MOST TESTING CHILDHOOD BEHAVIOR WITHOUT EVER RAISING THEIR VOICE. PATIENCE JUST COMES SO NATURAL TO THEM. I DON'T REMEMBER ANYONE TELLING ME THAT MOTHERHOOD WOULD BE SO INTENSE. MAYBE THEY DID BUT I WAS TOO BLISSFULL TO HEAR THEM AT THE TIME. IT IS ABSOLUTELY THE HARDEST, BUT MOST REWARDING JOB IN THE WORLD. DID I JUST MISS MY PLACE IN LINE WHEN THE MATERNAL GIFT OF PATIENCE WAS HANDED OUT? BECAUSE WHEN MY PERFECTIONISM IS IN HIGH GEAR, I REACH IN MY POCKETS AND CAN'T FIND IT! BUT WHAT I CAN FIND IS MY LORD. HE IS REMINDING ME THAT HE HAS EVERYTHING I NEED AND ALL I NEED TO DO IS COME TO HIM. HE WILL PROVIDE ME THE WISDOM AND PATIENCE I NEED AND IS MOLDING ME TO POSSESS THOSE TRAITS AS I GO THROUGH THESE TRIALS.

THE HOUSE WILL GET FINISHED AND THE STRESS LEVEL WILL GET BACK DOWN TO NORMAL SOON. I APPRECIATE YOUR PRAYERS AS THIS FAMILY WORKS TOGETHER TO CARRY THE LOAD FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. I ALSO PRAY THAT I HELP THE BOYS LEARN TO DO THEIR JOBS WITH JOY AND LOVE, NOT BECAUSE MOM WILL GO BALLISTIC AGAIN.

6 comments:

Julie Simmons said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way some days! Your boys are blessed to have you as their mama!

Grannalisa said...

I have been where you are and you feel like downright pooh!! You know - some days you step over it, some days you step in it!!! Hang in there.

And geez- I was still telling Austin to take out the trash before he left in January and he is 20 years old for crying out loud!!!

You are a great mom and it is very evident by your precious boys!!

Jodee Leader said...

You poor thing! I completely feel your pain. I couldn't agree more -- parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done. Some days, I don't feel cut out for it either. I am also very Type A and a complete perfectionist so my kids can really drive me crazy most days. I try to let the little things go but it is really hard for me!

Hang in there, and just take one day at a time!

Mark said...

I love you my dear, we will make it and the next time I want a building project tell me you would really like to have a tiny small little bird house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amy said...

This is such a great post for me. I feel I should copy and paste parts of it on to my blog. It's so great to know that another mom (who I thought has it all together and so perfect) struggles with the same things I do. You are a great mother and wife. I will put you and your stress level in my prayers.

Kate said...

Hey Amy -
Oh man, I have nights like that too where I seriously get upset and feel drained and angry and frustrated and start screaming at my little guy. Before I had him I was never much for apologies, but I definitely have had my moments where I've had to ask for his forgiveness. Not that there aren't moments when he deserves discipline, but he doesn't need a mother ranting at him! I'm in the boat with ya. So what's the house that you're working on? Part of our problem right now is that we are working on so many remodeling projects all the time that we're just strapped for time. I'll keep praying that your stress level stays to a minimum.

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